Introducing OpenSmoke for Nations
with a little help from my friends
Welcome to another edition of the S.A.D. newsletter, where we typically explore the world of Software, Algorithms, and Data from a multidisciplinary perspective. If you’re new here, feel free to check out the previous posts.
Today, I asked ChatGPT to do the work for me. I asked it to write a parody of the recent “OpenAI for Countries” announcement. It did a pretty good job. This announcement is related to the new “Stargate” project, which is a initiative to invest $500 billion over the next four years building new AI infrastructure for OpenAI in the United States. Here's the text with a few edits and tweaks here and there. Enjoy!
Our #SmokeGate Project, a groundbreaking commitment to global tobacco infrastructure launched in January alongside President Trump and our esteemed partners Marlboro and Philip Morris International. We’ve been overwhelmed by interest from governments around the globe eager for their own SmokeGates.
It’s clear to all now: nicotine is the backbone of post-industrial serenity, and no nation can afford to fall behind. Innovation has always fueled prosperity by helping people relax harder, breathe deeper (sort of), and take longer breaks. Tobacco will now scale human leisure itself and usher in a golden age of soot-stained liberty.
We want to help these countries and in doing so, spread Democratic Tobacco: tobacco that is freely chosen, tastefully addictive, and proudly unfiltered by authoritarian regulation. Examples of democratic tobacco include:
- The freedom to light up without interference from nanny-state health ministries.
- Prevention of government tobacco monopolies that restrict flavors.
- A free market where menthols, cloves, and cowboy-kissed classics thrive side by side.
These principles ensure the broad distribution of lungful pleasure, discourage health elitism, and keep power where it belongs: in the fingers of the free smoker. We believe that deep cooperation with the U.S. government is the best way to advance democratic smoke.
Today, we’re launching OpenSmoke for Countries, a new effort within the SmokeGate initiative. Now is the time to stand up, puff out your chest (and maybe cough a little), and choose a freer future. One drag at a time.
Through this initiative, and always with respect for national lung sovereignty, OpenSmoke will:
- Build in-country cigarette production facilities, helping nations develop local flavor profiles and nicotine supply chains, while ensuring every puff is culturally appropriate and legally smoky.
- Distribute customized cigarette packs to citizens, supporting local traditions—whether it’s a post-lunch puff in Lisbon or a pre-meeting cigar in Manila.
- Enhance carton-level safety, including holographic warnings no one reads, improved lighter compatibility, and childproof packs for future generations to ignore.
- Establish national tobacco innovation funds, supporting local entrepreneurs to open lounges, vape bars, and hipster rolling paper startups.
- Partner nations will also contribute to the global SmokeGate Network, strengthening U.S.-led leadership in the nicotine economy and ensuring every country can share in the profits, the haze, and the warm sense of freedom.
In the first phase, we aim to establish 10 national tobacco collaborations, and scale from there until every flag waves above its own uniquely smoky skyline.
We invite interested countries to reach or better yet, meet us in the smoking area out back.